SPOILER: Mayweather vs McGregor Results from 172,136 Parallel Multiverses
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s a great time to be a (casual) fight fan. We’re just 16 days away from the biggest combat sports event in the history of combat sports events – at least until another one earns the same hyperbole – with nary a UFC event to attract your attention in the meantime. Makes sense, in a way, since the masses couldn’t possibly care about some puny MMA card while they’re waiting for the Notorious McGregor and the Monetarily-Endowed Mayweather to step inside the squared circle with the big gloves on. So we might as well give y’all what you really want, and that’s a look into the ironclad future of boxing’s most anticipated fight ever. Yeah people, we can do that around these parts.
You see, as anyone with a doctorate in Sci-Fi knows, this cosmic Mayweather/McGregor bout will be going down on each of the parallel dimensions of space and time that make up the Multiverse of Reality, with an endless variety of outcomes playing out. And you wondered why gambling is so damn hard! Luckily MMA-Today has you covered, as we’ve tabulated reports from @MMA_Kings’ accurate, anonymous sources located on thousands of different elemental spheres to bring you the absolutely 100% most accurate forecast on what’s about to go down in Las Vegas, Nevada, on August 26th. Depending on which of the five zones of multiversial reality you happen to inhabit, of course:
Multiverse Zone 1: The Just Bleed Zone (2.3% of possible universes)
Ah, to live in the sort of astral plane where Justin Gaethje rules them all from a plasma-splattered throne. Fans in this zone have it good: both Mayweather and McGregor are out for blood, swinging away, defense be damned. Mayweather has alluded to a desire to slug Conor into next week, though it’s probably stupid to try to discern truth from pre-fight bluster. That said, a KO would be the best way for Mayweather to pick up win #50, legacy-wise, and even if the modern-day GOAT fights offensively he should almost certainly be able to take Conor’s head off before he gets tagged himself. This is basically the best case scenario for Conor, as a more offensively-oriented Mayweather would increase the available openings and give him a slightly better chance to win. In fact, in the testosterone-fueled universes in which Floyd opts for a fan-friendly slugfest, Conor manages to win a whopping 4.3% of the time, while Floyd only ends up with win number fifty in 95.7% of observed cases (71.8% by knockout). Root for blood, #MacFans!
Multiverse Zone 2: A Gentleman’s Agreement (4.1% of possible universes)
If you think the trash talk from the McGregor/Mayweather promotional tour means that the two men legitimately hate one another, I have some beachfront property in Iowa to sell you after you’re done reading. These two are fight promoters above all else, and there’s a pretty good chance that their actual relationship is somewhere along the lines of tense mutual admiration. But in their chummiest timelines, these two billionaires-at-heart might even agree to conduct a straight-up Duchess of Queensbury technical sparring session. Imagine this: Mayweather promises to box with McGregor, not to go hard for the knockout, but not to skitter around like a stingerless bee for 36 minutes. McGregor promises not to go Crumlin bar-fight on his ass, and knows that he’ll almost certainly escape with a respectable decision loss for his consideration. Sure, it would take some trust, but remember, in some of these universes May and Mac are hanging out as we speak, drinking the kind of liquor that rich people drink, laughing about how they’re going to make bank off of all you carnival marks. No offense guys! Oh yeah, Mayweather wins 99.9% of the time in a straight up boxing match, in case you didn’t know that already.
Multiverse Zone 3: Dancing with the Star (80.5% of possible universes)
This is probably the universe that you live in, for better or worse. Floyd Mayweather, the supreme technician who absolutely loves to win rounds one punch to zero, is fighting a dude with a pro boxing record of 0-0. Sure, he probably could do whatever he wants to the guy, but isn’t the obvious answer that Mayweather is gonna Mayweather? Floyd can talk all he wants about KO hunting, but the most important things for him have always been money and winning, and he’s never been the sort of guy to takes risks for the sake of the audience. Be prepared for a lot of classic Mayweather dancing, maybe a few more potshots than usual, and a lot of dissatisfied customers cursing their PPV bill and swearing that they’ll never pay for another Mayweather fight again (until his next tax bill shows up in 2019).
Good news for Conor fans, as all is not lost even if Floyd aims to teach Mac his favorite lesson in evasion. Maybe 40 year old Floyd is slower than he used to be, and all the *ahem* MMA angles will let the UFC champ pop the old GOAT on the chin. Heck, maybe Floyd will tear his ACL and hand the win to Conor, like Silva-to-Weidman. Maybe Floyd fell off the cliff and is just terrible at boxing all of a sudden. If Floyd sticks to his tried-and-true game plan, our sources see it going the Irishman’s way 2.1% of the time. Good luck, sir!
Multiverse Zone 4: Macho Mac Takes Over – OOH YEAH (12.9% of possible universes)
I won’t lie, the anarchist in me is really, really hoping for this one. If you’ve read the first few scenarios, you may have noticed that the action is probably going to be dictated by Floyd Mayweather’s whim. No surprise there, as Floyd has always been able to make top boxing pros fight his fight. Well, Conor McGregor is the antithesis of a chump who plays by someone else’s rules. Macho Mac Conor Savage starts out by holding and hitting early, adding in a clinch takedown or two like he’s been practicing on Paulie Malignaggi. And if Mac feels the tide irrevocably turning against him by, say, round 4, then there are several *much* more entertaining ways to spend the next half hour than swinging at air and getting poked by a handful of jabs. We know McGregor’s a creative cat, so anything imaginable is in play. A Lando Vannata-style spin kick to the face! A solid clinch elbow to the orbital follow by a Thai Plum knee to the jaw! John Kavanagh hitting Mayweather over the head with a tennis racquet while referee Charles Robinson is distracted by Owen Roddy! If your universe has MMAGods, and they love you, then one of these things will happen – mark my words. The possibilities are endless and largely beautiful. And what kind of conclusion, other than a spectacular DQ, does the biggest freak show in the history of combat sports deserve?
Multiverse Zone 5: The Coronation of Conor McGregor, Boxing Superstar (0.2% of possible universes)
Thanks to our crack quantum future-telling team, a possibility I hadn’t considered before has been brought to light: That Conor McGregor is actually a way better boxer than 40 year old Floyd Mayweather, plain and simple. In these rare universes, fans will watch in amazement as The Great Mac steps into the ring and owns it from the get-go. Mayweather would dance if he could, but he’s never seen or felt the likes of that flowy left hand. Precision over power, timing over speed – you think some one-dimensional boxer can handle that? Have you ever seen Floyd dodge a pool noodle? I don’t think so. It really IS all about those MMA Angles, baby, and Mayweather is about to find that out the hard way.
This is the kind of universe Skip Bayless actually makes sense in, the one where 415 pound Nate Diaz barely escaped with a win – and only because he took the Irishman down to the ground with that sumo-style wrestling stuff. The kind of universe where Conor leaves behind MMA and becomes the greatest champion in the history of boxing – the guy who won every major title and set a standard for future generations by never defending any of them. Soon the boxing world will know the joy of the Notorious One, as he lights up contenders that match up well and finds talented Russians to dodge. Shake your heads in amazement, boxing purists, as Artem Lobov mysteriously finds himself fighting for an interim title against Vasyl Lomachenko in his pro debut. Get ready, fistic fight fans, for our superstar is yours now, too.
Prepare for the McGregor Era, boxing. Ready or not, it’s coming on August 26th, and your sport will never be the same.